I hurt. Jack's health has taken a turn from bad to worse in a matter of a few short weeks. As I am writing this, he is lying all alone in a hospital bed, suffering. I know he is the one with immense suffering in body, but my heart and tear ducts are maxed out. Life is a gamble for all of us, not knowing our expiration date. But that reality is much more real as the years are piled on. 88 years is an accomplishment, a long full life. But what does that have to do with anything? Does living a long time make it easier to say goodbye? Does it make the suffering inevitable?
I find myself reeling with thoughts. Sadness. Fear. Love. Helplessness. I have always known how much this dear man means to me, and I have known that this would not be easy. But being at this crossing is more difficult than I could have ever anticipated. My feelings of love and gratitude are overflowing, while I scream inside for more time! He hasn't taught me enough! I haven't helped him enough. His presence in my life is substantial, and the hole that's left will be unbearable.
Seeing him helpless, limp and permanently half-asleep is torture. Fighting back tears has turned into a battle I just can't seem to win. I need to be strong. In his frailty, he doesn't hold back how much he loves and appreciates me. Hearing those kind words from a dying man is almost as difficult as the fear of Jack's unknown.
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this so soon. so sad... keep your chin up and a smile on your face. as best you can anyways.
ReplyDeleteNatalie
I always liked that poem "The Dash", if you never read it, just google it. It all comes down to what the dash between the dates on your gravestone represent. It doesn't matter what the dates are, how old you were, but live life so you can be proud of everything represented in 'the dash'.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with everything, I had a tear reading this and I don't even know you.