Showers; The rest of the story

Myth: Women Love showers (baby, bridal, etc.)
Fact: Women HATE showers!

Remember that story about the woman who only cooked half of a ham at a time, because that's the way her mother taught her. The woman then questioned her mother why she had instructed her in this manner. And the mother responded that her mother had always done it that way. When the woman asked her grandmother why she only cooked half the ham at a time, the grandmother responded that her oven was so small that it could only accommodate that size pan. Meet the metaphor of starting something out of necessity which unintentionally turns into tradition. Hence, showers.

I am assuming that showers originated years ago, for the same reason they still exist today; to help a young couple start their marriage. The idea behind this tradition is great, since every young couple needs some assistance. But the reality of this tradition; absolute torture.

I'd like to think that the women who started this tradition probably never got any time away from their husbands/families and relished the opportunity to socialize with other women over tea and crust-less sandwiches. I'd like to think that these predecessors of ours, started this event of giving gifts, and had no idea what kind of a monster they had created, and what that monster would later turn into! I'd like to think that they could not have seen it coming, or else they would have spared us. I'd also like to think that if these women were generous enough to start a tradition of giving gifts, that they would be decent enough to end this tradition if they could see into the future at the barf-fest that would ensue.

Is it evident my opinion on showers?? All women hate them, and if a woman says they like them, they are either lying, have never been to one, or are missing a few screws.

If you are male, you may be wondering to yourself, what could be so wrong about showers? Let me explain, plain and simple. Ladies, gathered in a semi-circle around the-one-to-be-showered, oohing and awing at each opened gift of pot holders, sheets and other un-exciting gifts, while eating bite-sized treats (the only reason I go to most events, the food) and chatting nicely about girl stuff. Recipe for puke.

Let's be clear though. There are aspects to showers that we all enjoy: food, socializing, and presents. My idea; Reform. Morph these three things that we all like into an event that people actually want to attend. This new and improved shower should include the following:

• Both genders (get with the program, ladies-only events are as exciting as sorting recycling at the dump)
• Booze, obviously
• No opening of gifts while guests are present
• No stupid 'shower games'
• No recipe cards
• No advice written on small sheets of paper
• No trivia games
• No making 'dresses' out of toilet paper
  
• Real food, not girly tea party crap
• No making a bouquet out of ribbons/wrapping paper from gifts (see below)

Let's call this new and improved shower, an 'Engagement Party' (or a 'New Addition Party', if its a for a baby). Everyone comes, hangs out, enjoys each others company, brings presents and that's it. No one feels awkward. No one wants to shoot their eyeballs out. Just a regular old party.

Just like the woman with the ham dilemma, we need to ask ourselves why we put up with this kind of behavior? Why do we keep going to these horrible get-togethers? If the answer is unclear, we need to reform the situation all together. People keep throwing showers because,
A.) They think that everyone likes showers (wrong!)
B.) They don't realize that showers are NOT mandatory
C.) And finally, because everyone is too afraid to break from tradition and do something else.

Let it be known, that I am officially done with showers. Don't email me an invitation. Don't mail me an invitation. Don't put a flyer in my box. Don't even ask me to come. Waste of paper, breath, and effort. A reformed Engagement party, with both genders and normal components? Sure I'll come. But the current format for showers, I will not partake of ever again. (I am thinking of having that statement notarized...)

So, to all women out there, don't keep baking half a ham, when you could bake the whole thing at the same time!!

Just Jack: Are you sure you want to leave??

It has become a predictable ritual, like mostly every encounter with this old man. We chat about the mundane things, and then something reminds him that I am leaving, or there is a lull in the conversation. And then, BAM, he hits me with it:

'Rebekah, are you sure you want to leave??' he says in a little puppy-dog, pitiful sort of way. I tell him that, Yes Jack, I am sure, I just gotta get out of here.

Then finally, the other day, he brings up his old worn-out line, to which I reply 'Jack, are you going to ask me that every time I see you?' To which he responds, 'Well, no......but are you sure you want to leave?? I'm just really going to miss you. You're my only pal, and I'm not going to have a close friend with you gone!'

I give him assurance that my replacement will be just as good, if not better than I am, but he is not convinced. I guess it is easy for any of us to become accustomed to our routine, and any seismic disturbance can create fear and worry. I tell him I am not moving to the moon, and will only be a phone call away. He has also added a few more numbers to his act. It seems that he is convinced that if he touches me as much as possible, that he will somehow be able to grasp me, hold me down, and keep me here. I am fairly certain this will not work, but nevertheless, he seems to be grabbing my hand, kissing it, hugging and generally initiating a lot more contact than ever before. I guess it is sweet and endearing, but the 'not-very-female' in me is just kinda doesn't know how to respond. I grapple for an awkward reciprocation, and mentally perform a count-down of how long an interaction such as this should last, then pull away when I get to 'blastoff'. Maybe I am a cold hearted cynic. Maybe my near complete inability to cry has something to do with this. Maybe all this will be cured with my new adventure! Maybe I will return a changed person! Maybe Jack forget all about me and move on. Ok, maybe I shouldn't get too ahead of myself....